Pride

In the name of self-love...

Photo by Mike van den Bos on Unsplash

Trigger warning for suicide and Intimate Partner Violence.

I’m sharing poetry that I wrote during a time when I was in and out of the psych ward, carrying six mental health diagnoses (which I still am actually), dealing with addiction, newly separated from my ex-husband due to abuse, homeless, raising my teenage daughter in a women’s shelter. With all that, I began to write.

Each admission to the hospital was caused by either a suicide attempt, or by reaching out to the crisis line before an attempt.

But during my stays in the psych ward, I often found respite from my darkest thoughts. I was held in a locked unit, but somehow being among peers in mental illness and through the groups and one-on-one interactions, I found a piece of my voice. I used my pen and paper to work through things that were persistent in my mind.

An enormous part of the consequences of the intimate partner violence (IPV) that I endured was the disintegration of my self-esteem. I felt like absolute garbage, hating everything about myself. I saw myself as less than nothing, with no possibility of any positive future. I was undeserving of anything.

But during those hospital admissions, and the times in between, days popped up where I saw myself as sort of a warrior. I had survived, and so did my voice. And teeny, tiny little bits of anger started peeking through. I still wish my anger was stronger. That I saw the injustice of IPV applied to me too. That it really wasn’t my fault.

One day came along that I was angry. I was tired of feeling helpless and insignificant. I wished I had fought back. I was ready to fight and defend myself and my children. In my mind, on this day, I had found a smidgeon of my worth.

Redemption

Today she materializes
As the delicate lioness
Ah, but appearances
They are deceiving

She purrs like a kitty
Then rips your skin off
And eats your heart
While it's still beating
In her mouth

You do not want to test
If this unimaginable image
Could be true

She cannot be subdued
As there is something
Fundamentally flawed
Inside her very being

You may witness
Her delicate kindness
But cross her once
And now her voracious appetite
For redemption
Will rear its beautiful head

And for all her suffering
The lioness
Shall be redeemed.

Jennifer M.
September 17, 2020
Unit B

Thank you so much for reading!